We work in the influence business. We have to change people’s behaviors from negative to positive. An important concept that I pulled from Smith was that perspective is overwhelmingly the biggest factor.
One of the areas that Smith discussed was males ‘catcalling’ females walking by. What Smith was trying to understand is why men thought this was actually a strategy? Some of the rationale was this idea of pack mentality where groups of men felt more emboldened or pressured to objectify women. Another area that Smith unfolded was the thought that women actually enjoyed the catcalling. This was based on lack of objection or even a nervous smile/laugh.
Smith met with a man who was convinced that women perceived the interaction as a compliment based on interactions not turning out as confrontational. In reality, most women felt threatened and wanted to avoid the situation from escalating. This was amplified when men were in groups and were even more aggressive in their interactions.
The chapter met an apex when Smith was able to show evidence that most women feel threatened by this approach. The male counterpart embodied the perspective that catcalling was merely complimenting women. He was in a state of almost disbelief by this revelation that women felt extreme threat and fear. Part of it centered on how he felt he was not trying to be threatening; he merely was trying to connect to someone. This is the point that struck me – meaning one thing may not be interpreted the same way.
A key concept that Smith proposed was that men do not take women as an authority when they assert that they actually like or do not like catcalling. Even though obviously she is actually a woman and experiencing the threatening behavior! I’m not trying to make an analogy that is demeaning to the experiences of women experiencing sexual harassment, but I could not help to feel an echo for us with in our profession, though the two situations are different in countless ways. The parallel to our profession is when as a coach, trying to help someone comes off as patronizing or arrogant.
Giving unsolicited feedback to someone could easily come off as critical or demeaning, regardless of the intent. When someone is lifting with awful technique that we know will end with injury, it is almost our civic responsibility to interject. However, getting feedback may come off as you thinking they are inadequate. It could come off as elitist or you are better than that person you are trying to help. It could come off as the exact opposite as you intended.
Our perspective is to help, but if our interpretation comes off as arrogant, it will not be perceived in that way. Improving our delivery, having empathy, developing trust and rapport may be our only chance. Smith had a really great chapter on delivering the cold hard truth – even in light of overwhelming evidence that something is wrong, people still will believe what they want to believe. If telling someone who is in a religious cult they should leave is hard, imagine telling someone who is working out with awful technique to try something different!
Can we change someone’s mind? The reality is probably some degree yes and some degree no. Like most things, it is multivariate and impossible to create a simple answer. People are complex. They have their logic and their beliefs for a reason, and this is not readily changeable. We can imagine a world where people appreciate feedback, but we need to also appreciate that our feedback may not be coming off as we want it to.